construction jokes

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States

The Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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construction jokesAn Engineer and a Construction Worker are sitting next to each other on a long flight across country.

The Engineer leans over to the Construction Worker and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Construction Worker just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and states that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Construction Worker politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Construction Worker's attention, and he sees no end to this idiotic torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Engineer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Construction Worker doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Construction Worker's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Construction Worker and hands him $50. The Construction Worker politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Construction Worker and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Construction Worker reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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